The Meth Hogs

Mutant, meth-fueled hogs are terrorizing the hills of Eastern Kentucky. In the decade or so since their first appearance, these giant, rage-filled animals have destroyed cars, homes, livestock, and have already killed several people.

Wild hogs have been roaming the hills of Eastern Kentucky for centuries. While these animals can grow to gigantic sizes, they are generally harmless unless cornered and will do their best to keep out of human company. That all started to change in the early 2000s, when reports of enormous, deformed hogs started coming in from the hills around Harlan.

Nobody knows the exact origin of these mutant animals. The best guess is that a pack of wild hogs came upon one of the many small chemical refining businesses located throughout Harlan County. Either in an effort to make the crystal meth he was brewing more potent, or simply to cut corners in production, this particular producer seems to have been throwing in pretty much whatever he could find down at the local Wal-Mart in a plastic bottle with a Do Not Drink warning label. Whatever combination of chemicals he stumbled upon, it turned out to be irresistible to a pack of local hogs. Plus, it had the added benefit of being laced with enough hormone-altering goodness to cause the animals' latent DNA to become active and their whole physiognomy to go, well, hog wild.

The first sightings of the Meth Hogs, as they were soon being called, happened in 2005 in the hills of Harlan County. A hunter reported being charged by an enormous hog that he estimated to be around 10 feet long, about 4 feet high, and to weigh around 900 lbs. The hog also seemed to have not one but two sets of unusually long tusks, all protruding at odd angles from its mouth.

The hog came after the man very aggressively, and he had to very hurriedly climb a nearby oak tree to escape the animal. The hog repeatedly charged the tree, and the man said that he shot the beast multiple times, which seemed to "piss it off more than anything else".

After several hours, the hog apparently grew bored and wandered off, and the hunter returned to his truck as quickly as possible.

Since that first sighting in 2004, Meth Hogs have been reported throughout Eastern Kentucky. The hogs have been ravaging livestock in the area. Farmers have reported countless missing chickens, dogs, goats, and have even reported seeing giant hogs dragging full-grown cows off into the woods.

In 2008, the Meth Hogs may have claimed their first human victims. A family of four was camping in the Kentenia State Forest in early September. Their tent was discovered by a ranger, completely destroyed, and their entire campsite had been trampled into the ground. Blood and traces of clothing were found in the immediate area, but no further sign of the family was ever discovered. The entire area was covered with giant, cloven hog tracks. At least one set of these tracks seemed to be from an animal with three toes on each foot. Several other similar disappearances have been reported since then.

It wasn't until 2010 that the first of these mutant hogs was killed. A trapper who was using a foot-gripping trap, which was a bit larger and more powerful than may have been strictly legal, caught one of the Meth Hogs. He found the furious animal already beginning to gnaw its own leg off trying to escape. The man, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of prosecution for his overzealous trapping habits, said it took him six shots, directly into the creature's head, at as close a range as he could manage, to kill it. And this was a small specimen, only about 400 lbs. When he carved open the hog, what he discovered was astounding.

The animal's skin was almost impossible to penetrate. The man had to use a chainsaw to make his way into the body. The first thing that he noticed was the ungodly odor that emanated from the animal's body. The man said it smelled much worse than the usual dead hog, like "eggs that had been left rotting in the sun".

The usual thick layer of fat found under a hog's skin was, in this case, laced with a thick webbing of cartilage. The combination of cartilage and fat would be flexible when the animal was moving, but compress into an incredibly firm layer when struck directly, essentially functioning like a bullet-proof vest.

The Meth Hog's internal organs were also quite a sight. The beast had two livers, four kidneys, and a large number of unusual, lumpy tumors throughout its body. The creature also had an unusual case of meth mouth, with six eight-inch tusks protruding at odd angles from its mouth, and two additional rows of teeth in its jaws. To top it all off, the hog was outfitted with four testicles. The hunter burnt the body, saying "Ain't no way in hell I was gonna eat that."

If all of these mutant hogs are as well-equipped as the one that was trapped and killed, it could explain their unusually aggressive behavior. Male hogs can get very aggressive when it's mating time, and with double the amount of hormones coursing through their bodies, they must just be unstoppable.

The Meth Hogs seem like they are a breeding and spreading through Eastern Kentucky, causing damage, threatening lives and livestock, and just generally causing all kinds of trouble. Their presence also seems to be driving the meth cookers out of the woods and back into town, so really, nobody's winning here. It really makes you miss moonshine.

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